I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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