Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
