cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
