people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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