i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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