good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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