It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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