there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
