I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize