i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
