So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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