Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
why is half of my head shaved?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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