Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
