sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i need some magic done to my vagina
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
