I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
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I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
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My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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