When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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