Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
ttyl tear gas
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
