): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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