Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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