Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
