I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
