Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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