i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
