Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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