I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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