If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
