Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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