We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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