I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You ruined the universe
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
