A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
