New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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