Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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