Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
