Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
