On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think your dad took our porno
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
