if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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