Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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