just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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