The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
