Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
