If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Farmville is her only friend.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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