I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
