I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
