she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
