I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
