I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i think my cat just said my name.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
