The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
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i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
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