i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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