Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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