Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
