UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
