I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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