question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
